Work Sucks

Now that I’ve taken another step towards carpel tunnel by playing Guitar Hero for a few hours to quell the boredom at work, I figured I’d post another blog. For the life of me, I cannot understand how development targeted at a 233mhz MIPS with a video card that doesn’t even support hardware T&L (much less shaders) can produce a game which lags on a 2.2ghz Core2Duo with an 8600M GT if I turn the crowd on.

I feel, of late, like I don’t belong. Minnesota is home, and that is certain. I grew up here, my friends are here (even if I don’t see them much), extended family is here, etc, but I cannot shake the feeling that it’s just a place. Ever since getting back from Arizona it feels… alien, for lack of a better word. Life here is not satisfying, to be sure. I work between 60 and 80 hours a week, get called when I’m not here, and then go to my house to sleep, generally. I hardly see a reason to get up in the morning (other than work) most days, and I just kind of languish. It’s difficult to get up the motivation to do anything which isn’t absolutely required, and nothing really excites me.

Granted, that’s not a new state of things. It’s been that way for a while. My only real hobby if working out, and I haven’t even done that much lately (though I’ve started up again since I got back). I don’t think I realized how much I missed seeing people who I actually give a fuck about until I got back. Mind — there are still people here who I do give a fuck about, but they’re few and far between. To wit — I occasionally check John’s blog on Myspace, and every time I do, all I can think is “This is why I have no interest in seeing you anymore, you delusional fuck.” Shaun and a few others, however, I gladly keep up with. I just have no idea why I even bothered seeing the rest of them in the first place when I moved back. Maybe I needed it, just to learn why they were worthless to me (as an aside, <strong> sucks compared to <b> when you’re actually typing it, fuck XHTML).

Heather almost broke up with me again. Every time, I’m struck with the futility of pursuing it any further. What more do I want? To see her again? For what? What do I expect from the future? In fact, nothing at all. I’m sure she’ll actually carry through with it at some point, and so what if she does? I guess that, if I were her, and I had a free place to live, free food, free healthcare, et al, I wouldn’t give it up easily either (I mean, I did that when I moved back from Georgia, but I somehow see that as different). It’s difficult to be excited to see somebody when you work between 35% and 48% of the hours in the week (not waking hours, either), and on my days off? I don’t want to be woken up to “spend time together,” especially when I go back to work the next day (it’s non-trivial to reverse your sleeping schedule every week, and even though I don’t need to sleep much, I’d rather not start the week shortchanged).

Fundamentally, I don’t think she understands me. In particular, I don’t think she grasps how much I like the people who are (presumably) the only readers of this blog. In short, “I like them more than you, and I’d rather live with them than you.” Not that I’m moving to Phoenix. That place is the epitome of excess given the resources necessary for life present in the Southwest. However, if it came down to living with her or living with my family? Uhh… no contest. Hell, if Heather ever carried through with her threats, one of the first things I’d likely do is call and say “I have an extra 1,000 square feet I’m not using anymore (or can be repurposed), and you don’t have to pay for anything unless your food bills exceed $200/month. Move back and find a job here.”

For that matter, should you elect to move to Tennessee or North Carolina instead? I may end up leaving Minnesota. I miss you guys. I had a better time with (relatively) nothing to do and playing Warhammer or 360 or bullshitting than I have with almost anybody here even if we go out to eat/to the bar/whatever. It’s depressing. Life here, more often than not, feels… vacant. I’m going through the motions for lack of anything better to do, I guess.

I’m also using FitDay again so I can try to figure out why I’m not losing any weight. For that matter, I’m not at all sure why I didn’t gain any weight when I was in Arizona. I kind of wonder if I’m not eating enough here, and sending my body into some kind of catastrophe mode mode by riding my bike to work (10.5ish miles each way) on top of it. I find it hard to believe that my body has spontaneously decided that 150-155lbs is the equilibrium point no matter how much working out I do or don’t do.

On the other hand, Heather and one of her friends are having a weight loss contest ending on Nov. 1st. The loser apparently has to buy the winner dinner as well as jump into Lake Superior (in November, not that the temperature of the lake changes significantly throughout the year). In the interest, at least, of saving myself the cost of buying somebody dinner, they’ve decided to let me into their contest. Fortunately for me (I think), it’s not based on how much weight you lose, rather how much body fat you lose. I mean, I could drop 9% or so and still be alive (though I’ll never look like Michael Johnson), but even dropping 3% down to 9%ish would probably ensure me winning.