The most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments

My titles seem to be getting longer and longer. Short and snappy isn’t really my style, I guess. Concise? Sometimes. Relevant? Not always, but I try. I was contemplating beating my last entry as “the longest blog about nothing” Dan’s ever read, but I don’t think I’m going to make it. After all, at least parts of this shall be about something, veiled as those references may be. The internal evaluation process I go through on some level for every action I take is convoluted. There’s no logical reason why I should feel that every relationship I enter into is doomed from the start other than experience, but it’s a truly skewed set of landmarks. Should I assume that they are all condemned to an ignominious end merely because those I’ve had in the past did?

A great many of those were due to my shortcomings and personal failures, but not all. I’ve been involved with some people where the words best used to describe them fall into categories typically reserved for lunatics. Regardless, it’s rather silly of me to conclude that I’m bound to bungle things with all of them, or be so intolerable that others cannot stand me. I highly doubt that I’ll end up dating another person who drinks my blood, or one who prefers that I sleep with other people to breaking up (not that I’m necessarily opposed to open relationships, merely that it’s a bit pathetic to oblige in the indiscretions of somebody else just to stay together if it’s not something you actually desire). Why, then, do I automatically think that things must come to a cataclysmic end?

Eventually, I’m bound to end up in some kind of stable situation. I find that I get bored as time goes on, and the thrill of the chase is over. It’s possible that I’ve been involved with the wrong kind of people, or that it’s a mere rationalization on my part. All things considered, constantly being on uncertain footing would have to be draining. I look at my brother, and I he’s been married for five years. Why do I dismiss such a future for myself out of hand? It’s patently obvious that I’m not in such a situation, but it seems to be a bit of a Catch-22. It’s easy for him to point out that my logic is farcical at times given that he’s been married for five years. I suppose that the perspective has a lot to do with it. He and Missy are very happy together, and I’m glad. My life probably looks ridiculous, but a man’s got to have a code. I have standards. Not to imply that others do not, merely that I hardly hope to find reality-bending love. Who knows? I may be surprised.

On another note, I’m increasingly excited that people are coming to visit for Anya’s birthday. It will have been five months since I’ve seen Dan, Missy, Anya, or Alex by the time they get here. Considering my feelings on the way things ended down there, I’m not apt to visit anytime in the near future. Of course, I say that now, but I’ll likely head down sometime this summer. I miss my immediate family. It’s strange how little regard I gave to the thought of living across the country. I’m missing things in their development, and I’m acclimated to being there for those sorts of things from living with them. Anya is now capable of playing the Wii by herself, can hold a coherent conversation on the telephone, and is prescient enough to tell me that she’s worried Daddy may choke on the children’s toy he put in his mouth (unlikely as that may be, it’s cute that she voices her concern). I really don’t think she understands exactly how far away I live, nor that she’ll be coming here fairly soon, but it’s kind of heartbreaking to hear her tell me that she wants me to come visit tomorrow.

I’m not generally one to be emotionally affected by things (at least overtly), but this is a diary of sorts, so I may as well expound upon it. It’s frustrating in a way to know that those I care about live 1,300 miles away. It’s taken some time to really catch up with me, but now that life has somewhat settled down, it’s sinking in. It’ll be a few years at best before they live here, and I’m not prepared to leave here just yet. There are factors out of their control down there, and my life is not yet tragic enough to abandon it. That’s always in the back of my mind, anyway. If things go south rapidly, I’ve always got options in other places. Sure, there are things I could do here, but the idea of a completely fresh start where nobody knows me is compelling. As noted previously, I’m still here because somebody cares. What should happen if that disappears? I’m not sure, and it doesn’t matter for the moment. Still, I wish things were different with regards to the living situation. I’m content on many levels, but it’d be ever so nice to live within reasonably close proximity to them.

Yes, people get busy with their families. I can’t say I saw any of my aunts or uncles with the regularity that I’d likely see them when I was growing up. Maybe it’s different with twins? Maybe it’s different because I lived with them for two years? I’m not sure. I know that I feel like I should be more involved than I am, though that’s not realistic. Perhaps it’s about time that I gave up my grudges against the people they live with, or at least put them aside long enough to visit for a while.

Much easier than expected

Given the frequency with which I was inclined to post blogs having to do with me (rather than news) on Myspace, I suspected that I’d have some difficulty in finding a daily subject here. It seems that I was mistaken, and I’m rather glad of that. It’s not that I need an outlet for anything. I have enough people willing to listen to my drivel in a non-static form, and there’s nothing compelling in expounding upon my thoughts on the page (such as it is), but it’s here, and it’s oddly satisfying. I’m able to eschew the normal social mores which constrain my tongue. It’s not like I typically abide by these anyway, but I do, on some level, know that some things are just patently offensive. I can’t very well tell my friends in plain language that I think their actions are sometimes childish, nor give them advice as flatly as I would like to. This mental filtering very rarely takes any precedence in my day to day conversations.

I’m a deft manipulator of other people. It’s never the intention to coerce them into doing as I wish or acquiescing to my point of view, but it’s often the outcome. I have a certain knack for elaborating my ideas or observations in such as way that it’s natural to agree with me. I tend to be correct, so this it’s not necessarily a bad thing. What it does mean is that I’m frequently the confidante of those I interact with regularly. Should there be problems or concerns, it falls upon me to express them to the offending party, should that be desired. I’m fine with this. For whatever reason, advice I give to others is valued, and I get a bit more insight into the situation than I had before.

It’s a calculated and delicate dance at times. When it comes to my own conundrums, however, most everybody is kept at a distance. It’s exceedingly rare that I deem something so insurmountable or enigmatic that it’s worthwhile to enlist the aid of others. I’m not certain that they’d bother, but it’s apparent that it would be an exercise in futility given the blighted landscape of their own lives. Regardless, I’m not a man easily knowable. Perhaps that’s fallacious. The people who I’ve known the longest appear to willfully ignore changes since I moved away. I may have been capricious and unpredictable before I left, it’s true. That hasn’t been true for a long time. Some of the decisions in my life are a tad spontaneous. Nobody, including me, expected what happened when I helped Dan move. Sometimes we can astound even ourselves. I find it disheartening that they cannot anticipate my behavior. I’m direct with them at this point. No reason to be otherwise.

Still, there remains a sole person who knows my mind. It’s not because he hears everything (although that’s not far off), and it’s not because I’ve known him the longest. We are remarkably similar. Yes, we’ve lived apart for four of the last six years. It has not made a noticeable impact on our development. Disparate as we most assuredly are in some ways, we happen to read the same books at around the same time, frequent the same websites (even if they’ve not been mentioned), hold the same political and social views (though neither of us adhered to the current modus operandi at the time of our separation), and pursue many of the same ambitions. There’s only one person to whom I could be referring here, and it should be obvious.

I almost feel like we are one person in two places. Sure, genetics is proving to be an enlightening field when it comes to coincidences between twins. Upbringing may have had something to do with it, as could have the amount of time we spent with each other until adulthood. A lot of things have changed since May 16th, 2001 in both our lives, yet we seem tied to the same path. There is a bond which words cannot describe, and cannot be sundered. Though I had a lapse in trust not so long ago, I know without asking that he will always defend my cause, and he can expect the same from me. I need never preach my case, nor detail my reasoning. He understands, and he already knows what I what I’m thinking. What may seem opaque to others is but a veil which he has always seen through. It’s something which I cannot explain.

It’s been months since I’ve seen him, unfortunately. True, there have been longer stretches of time (mostly when he was in training), but there are no extenuating circumstances here. He has a wonderful wife who I don’t speak to nearly as often as I should (given the level of social activity I’ve been partaking in lately), the type that I would love to find one day (probability of this is near zero). Two children who I love dearly. I saw every major event in Anya’s first 19 months. Walking, first words, all the rest. I’m 1500 miles away from those now. I’m utterly absent from Alex’s development. I never saw myself becoming the doting uncle. I seem to have been wrong. Perhaps that’s because I do not, for the most part, find babies to hold my interest until they start exhibiting a definitive personality and the ability to communicate their thoughts and desires. They’re both old enough to do that now.

As to when I’ll be going down to visit again, I have no idea. On the upside, there’s a possibility that they’ll be coming here for Anya’s birthday (early June) for a weekend. That would elicit a great deal of happiness. There was some debate as to whether or not they would be moving here last summer, and I appreciate the reasons why they did not, but it was a disappointment nonetheless. Ideally, there will be a resuscitation of that topic of conversation when he finishes school (for a multitude of reasons). If not, life goes on. We’ve managed for years as it is, and it’s not the end of the world to wait longer or anticipate a few visits a year (either me there or them here). I’ll dare to hold out hope.

A Frame of Reference

Well, I’ve made the commitment to blog every day. I’m not sure if I’ll quite live up to that, but it ought to be a lot more regular than merely days when I’m working (which is my Myspace blog). Counter-intuitively, this blog will be the one which deals with me as a person, my happenings, any epiphanies I may have, and similar things rather than the one on the page which is supposed to describe me. Sure, random news and political diatribes are just as defining as speaking at length about the details of my social life (and possibly romantic life), but not in the same way. Given that this will be the first entry in this blog, it’s not a bad idea to go through what’s happening in my life at the moment. It’s not as if I’m likely to forget, but dates and events don’t always line up the way you think they do in a few years time, or even a few months time.

I’ll endeavor not to call people out by name (note: just realized that I’m going out of my way and sounding awkward just to avoid splitting an infinitive, which is not technically grammatically improper in English. Perhaps I should stop making fun of Dan for it), other than whose whom I know I will never offend or say bad things about. That pretty much narrows the list to two (my brother and his wife), given that their children are not old enough to read, nor do I think they’d have any interest in reading my blog at this moment in their lives. Perhaps later, but I hope they live closer then, so they don’t get to know me by reading my blog online. It’s not as if I bitch about my friends constantly, or even with any kind of regularity, but there are times with anybody where they get on your nerves (note: S has not done this, nor has K), or you just need to vent. I’m fairly sure that anybody reading this will already know who it is I’m talking about by inference should it come to that, but I’d rather not do it so obviously. It’s rather tacky. I’ve successfully avoided naming names before, even in very long diatribes, so I’ll aim for that here.

Going through my social circle is fruitless. In many ways, it’s very static. It’s kind of like a high-school reunion every time I see them, though there are a number of post-education additions. Still, the principals of the group haven’t changed in quite a while, and I doubt if they’re going to. Yes, I have a solitary sibling, and he’s my identical twin. Does it feel like I have a brother? I’m not entirely sure. He’s more like my best friend, except he’s been around my entire life. The only person who hears everything. Judging by the sibling dynamic I’ve seen in other families, I’m not at all sure that it’s in the same vein. Twins are something on their own (not that I’ve observed many other twins either). We’ve all found a companionship in each other. A familial bond, and we’ve been there for some of the worst times in each other’s lives. Sure, some event may be so galling that it temporarily (or permanently) expels one of us, but we all know each other quite well at this point, so we have similar moral values and ethics. Yes, there are some things which I think are quite appalling which they don’t agree upon (mostly to do with children and what priority they ought to have in people’s lives), but that’s likely due to living with young children for an extended period of time. It’s something which you just have no perspective on until you live it, and I’d hope that theirs will change similarly should the time come that they become fathers or what have you. Then again, some of us can be very obtuse at times.

So how do I clarify where my life stands right now? I’m not concerned with my employment status as such, since figuring out when you worked which job is very easy given the date. I’ve already noted that I have a fairly static group of friends. My relationship status is in flux, to say the least. An ever-changing menagerie of women, some appealing, some not. There’s nothing I can do to lock that down at the moment, though the description given may well be enough. It’s the first time in a long time that I’ve been single for an extended period of time, and it’s kind of refreshing. It’s also true that I love meeting new people, so the dating ritual really suits me. I am, at the moment, a self-described socialist. That may date this, given time, but my political views have changed so gradually over the years that I can’t say what I believed in at any one point. I do recall being a bit of a fascist in high-school, but I can’t imagine why. My Myspace blogs will detail the reasons for my beliefs should I ever be curious, but I really don’t foresee this changing at any point.

My personal philosophy on life is perhaps somewhere between hedonism and nihilism. I have no idea how to describe that particular aspect of me. I don’t really think about it, so it’s hard for me to assign myself to some group which mandates conviction in your beliefs (as both hedonism and nihilism would seem to be). I’m rather apathetic to the whole thing. That’s not entirely true either. There are some things you just can’t change, so why worry about them? I cannot change the actions of others, nor will I ever be able to. I can’t say that I’m always happy about it, but I never let things get to me. Everything rolls off my back, so to speak. The only thing which has affected me in years was the sudden engagement, and the equally sudden end of it.

I read through people’s blogs fairly often if I don’t know them well, and I’d like to. It’s strange how you can see a metamorphosis through time as you go back further. You can watch their though process as they go through trying times, and be privy to the formative events of their life. It’s the kind of thing I’d hope people would be able to get going through what this blog will ideally be, and perhaps that kind of resource even to me. I’ve heard from a lot of people that I changed in the time when I was living in Georgia. I had a very difficult time believing that. People don’t often change. They grow up, maybe, but the core qualities of your persona and the tenets which you live your life by don’t often change after a certain age. I realize now that those people were right, but it took a major event in the life of one of my friends for it to be obvious to me. It’s likely to be the next subject which I write about anyway.